Blame
by LivBenson413
Summary: After finding his partner's body, Nick blames himself for her suicide. Sort of sequel to My Soul to Take.


Nick looked in front of him at the shrine like desk. It was agreed that until the new detective arrived, her desk would be preserved in memory. It contained a picture of her surrounded by flowers, letters, cards, and memoirs of her life.

But it wasn't the same anymore. The squad room had lost it's usual glow. The whole place seemed gloomier than usual and to make matters worse - Olivia wasn't there and she never will be again. The only memory of her was her desk and the long legacy and left behind. Nick noticed it most, though. The abundance of silence and awkwardness. The looks of Fin, Amanda, Cragen, and Munch weren't the same. Even the other cops and UNI's that admired Olivia didn't have the same facial expressions and strides. It seemed like Olivia's attendance was the one thing that kept the gloominess of the Sex Crimes Unit at a minimal. Sure, she didn't smile as much but when she did, it was a thing a beauty. Another thing Nick would never see from her again.

Nick couldn't process that she was no longer with them. All during the funeral, hearing words from previous victims and even Brian and his mother was too much for Nick.

He was frustrated, that was clear. He was supposed to protect her, keep her safe but he failed. Olivia was brutally raped and tortured because he wasn't there. He didn't protect her. It was so obvious the Lewis was fixated on her. When they interrogated Lewis, Nick saw the way his eyes scanned over her body with a sinister look in his eye. The way he looked into her eyes when he was describing the hell he put Alice Parker through. It was so clear and Nick didn't prevent it.

He let her down. Nick Amaro, trained NYPD detective, let his partner and friend down. He should've noticed the signs. The depression, weight loss, and the hopeless look in her eyes. They were all there but he just didn't think of it. He didn't think someone with Olivia's track record of dealing with things could ever commit suicide. Sure, the job they worked wasn't the most cheerful one, but in the midst of it all, she somehow found a way to show off her beautiful smile.

"Nick."

Nick turned around. "Yeah Captain?"

"Can I see you for a sec?"

Taking a deep breath, Nick got up and walked into Cragen's office. He closed the door behind him and face his Captain.

"Something wrong, Captain?" Nick asked reading his expression.

"Nick, I wanted to talk to you about your partner."

"I'm not getting a new partner right now. It's too soon."

Cragen shook his head. "No, I wanted to talk about Liv."

Hearing her name sent a shiver down Nick's spine. "Captain..."

"Talk to me, Nick. I know you're hurting about this. We all are. But you seemed to be the most affected by it and I'm getting worried."

"I'm fine," he said.

"You found her body, Nick. I know you're not all right." Cragen gestured toward the chair. "Have a seat," he said sitting behind his own desk.

Nick looked at him before sitting down. "If you wanted to shrink me, why don't you just call Huang?"

"Because I'm not shrinking you. I'm talking to you, not as your superior, but a friend."

"Fine."

"How you holding up?"

Nick scoffed. "I don't sleep, I can't eat. Her face lingers in my mind every second. The way she was lying on her bed when I walked in."

Cragen could here the frustration in his voice. "It's all right, Nick."

"She laid there so perfect, so lifeless. It was like she was sleeping. Only this time, she never woke up and I couldn't do a damn thing about it."

"This isn't your fault," Cragen assured him. "You did your best but you could only help her as much as she wanted to be helped."

Nick shook his head, swallowing the lump in his throat. "Then why does it feel like my fault? Why does it feel like I have this huge weight on my shoulders?"

"Because Nick, she wasn't just your partner, she was your friend."

"And friends look after each other, Captain. Something I didn't do for her."

Cragen tried to blink away tears of his own. "You did your best."

"My best wasn't good enough."

"Stop Amaro. Stop blaming yourself because it doesn't help a damn thing."

"It's not the same," Nick confessed softly. "Fin's not the same Fin, Amanda doesn't even crack a smile anymore and Munch has even stopped making jokes."

Cragen nodded. "I see it. They're hurting too. It's hard adjusting to not having her here. She was always the first and last one here."

Nick looked down at his hands. "I saw that same bleak look in Liv's eyes when I first got here. She fucking hated me," Nick joked a little.

"She didn't hate you. She just needed a change. I knew that with time, she'd learn to like you."

"Yeah." Nick looked up at Cragen. "I saw her old partner at the funeral."

"Stabler?"

Nick nodded.

Cragen chuckled sadly. "I knew he'd be there. They were like brother and sister and my best detectives. They were always in sync."

"Until he took a knife and lunged it through her heart."

"Elliot had hurt her, I agree. And I knew it hurt worse when she cleaned off his desk. It was a good thing you came along."

Nick just nodded. "Eh Cap, can you do me a favor?"

"Sure."

He sighed. "Keep her desk."

"Keep her desk?" Cragen repeated, confused.

"Yeah. We can get another desk for whoever's coming in. But just keep her desk."

"I've got a better idea. We'll get a memorial room and place her desk in there."

Nick couldn't help but smile. "Even better."

**What'd you think? Review.**


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